From Me to You

4 Do’s and Don’ts for Codepedents

Monday, June 30, 2014

4We are codependent women, you and I. And like the alcoholic man we love, we will never be “cured”.

I left my husband after 10 painful and loving (sometimes) years. But even though I walked away from the disease I will never be able to separate from my codependent nature. If I am not careful, my self worth can come from fixing or solving someone else’s problems.  Just like an alcoholic – I must choose to make healthy choices one day at a time.

Does this sound like you?

Here are four do’s and don’ts of codependency:

1. Do not make your husband/children the center of your life. They will require our help, love and support but it’s unhealthy to make their needs first place all the time.

2. Do take daily self inventory. In other words, how many times a day do you ask yourself the questions, “am I making my needs important today, or am I running on empty? Am I waiting for someone else to make my dreams and desires important? Or am I acting like a responsible and mature woman prioritizing my time, spirituality, work, hobbies, etc.?”

3. Do not try to solve. Our desire to fix, solve and mend broken people and situations will never end. We will always be codependent. He will always be an alcoholic. Our daily choices will need to based on that truth. His victory comes from not drinking. Our victories come from a balanced, healthy focus and being ok with things not being ok.

4. Do take responsibility. We enjoy being codependent. Seriously. We get a kind of payoff from our pain – otherwise we would stop our destructive behavior. Some of my payoffs are: feeling superior, self fulfillment, and focusing on other people’s issues so I don’t have to face mine. Ugly, huh?

What are you struggling with this week? I love hearing from you. I pray for you everyday so leave a comment and let’s share with each other. You are not alone.  Subscribe (it’s free) to receive tips, sales and encouragement.

Daily Choices

A List of Things You Can Do Today To Help Get Him Sober

Tuesday, June 10, 2014

When you love someone who drinks too much or has substance abuse issues you are hoping with all your soul they will finally get sober.  You want the pain and suffering to end.  So are you helpless?  Do you just have to sit back and wait patiently for them to decide that enough is enough?  No way!

Waiting for them to get sober leads to depression, anxiety and resentment.  Yuck!

You must do everything you can to give him the best chance of getting sober.  Here is a quick checklist:

  1. Do not nag him about his drinking
  2. Do not beg him to stop
  3. Do not yell or slam doors or storm out when you feel angry, hurt or resentful
  4. Do not poor out his alcohol or switch his drinks
  5. Do not get other family members to talk to him about his issues
  6. Do not pick up after him and act like his mother – leave his clothes on the floor, don’t make his doctors appointments or pick up after him
  7. Do not find a rehabilitation center or drive him to AA meetings
  8. Get yourself ready in the morning with pride – put on your nice clothing, do your hair and makeup – this is for your self esteem not to please him
  9. Surround yourself with things that give you joy – coffee with friends, your favorite music, books and movies.  Gardening, painting, exercising
  10. Go to a weekly support meeting or therapist
  11. Do not talk your friends or family ear’s off about his issues – that’s what support groups and therapists are for
  12. Don’t lend him money or your car

This is your work.  Not his. Until you can do everything on this list – you are not ready for him to get sober.  Yep, I wrote it.  Even if he got sober you would still be too codependent to handle it and he would be at risk for a relapse.

Until you have truly done your work you cannot ask God to do His.  You have to break the patterns and the dysfunctional cycles of codependency for Him to move mountains in your relationship.

Here’s the best news:  this process doesn’t need to take years, months or even weeks. You can get started today.  Imagine the woman you want to become and ask God to help you get there.  You can do it!  I did and He moved the most amazing mountains.

I LOVE when you share so please leave a comment below.  You are safe here and there is no judgment. I will never allow mean comments on our site.  What you have to say is important so give yourself a voice.  Also, check out the samples of the Love Over Addiction Program (on the Shop page) and if you really want fast results, make yourself important and purchase the program.  

7 Mistakes Women Make Who Love An Alcoholic & Addict

Mistake #7 Getting Upset Because You Can’t Leave Him

Thursday, May 22, 2014

You are a smart woman.  You know you are in an unhealthy relationship.  You want something more.  But for some reason you can’t leave him today.  It’s too hard, you are scared of what others would think of you, or scared what God would think of you.  You don’t have the money to leave, you feel no one would love you or no one would have you and the kids.  There are many reasons why staying seems easier than leaving.

So, let it go.

Why?  Two reasons you should re-focus yourself….

1.  You don’t want to get in the way of God’s plan for your life

2.  Logically, for many, you believe you should leave but you are staying anyways

Stop worrying about it.

How?  Stop obsessing about their life and start focusing on your own.  Focus on your daily life choices.  Are your moment to moment decisions healthy, healing and honoring God? Are you physically, spiritually, and mentally taking care of yourself?  Do you have your priorities right or are you out of balance?

Focus on the small choices and trust that God will lead you down the right path.           Proverbs 3:5-6

Forgive yourself for staying today – you reserve the right to change your mind tomorrow.

Leave a comment – healing is sharing.  Keep encouraging one another ladies!  You are sharing such beautiful powerful feelings.  I am here to cheer each one of you on and pray over this amazing community.  If you are new… subscribe to the newsletter (it’s free) and check out the Love Over Addiction Program – it’s filled with powerful tools to transform your life.

 

7 Mistakes Women Make Who Love An Alcoholic & Addict

Mistake #6 – Believing The Lies

Thursday, May 8, 2014

Addiction is a disease of the devil.   Maybe you have been lied to, manipulated and called names.  You might be feeling beaten down.   You are in love with a good man who has an evil disease.

When he is yelling at you – he is not angry with you – he is angry with himself.

When he is ignoring you – he is not really ignoring you – he is ignoring his own issues.

If you leave your sense of self worth in someone else’s hands – YOU ARE IN DANGER.

Your self-esteem cannot come from your clothes, your job, your friends, your husband, your car, or how many friends you have on Facebook.

The only place you should be looking for acceptance is from God.  He loves you. He made you beautiful, precious and He wants to be with you forever in eternity.  What better love could there truly be?

So what are you going to choose to believe, the lies from the devil, or your Mighty, Loving Father?

If you find these posts helpful, I encourage you to check out the Love Over Addiction Program (on the Shop page) for powerful life transforming lessons.  Don’t forget to sign up for the newsletter (above) it’s no cost and you get the first three chapters of my book FREE…

You are loved deeply my sweet wonderful sisters!  Leave a comment and encourage one another.  1 Thes 5:11.  If you know someone who is in pain, pass this along and let’s give Him glory!