Daily Choices

3 Ways To Get Help Now

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

You feel devastated.  Life was never meant to be this painful.  You are exhausted and anxious, and don’t know just how much more of his drinking or drug use you can take.

You love him for the man he could be. He has so much potential.  The good times are great and the bad times are awful.  It’s a rollercoaster ride.  And you want to get off.  You want a happy, healthy life with the man you love.

I was just like you.

My life was consumed with trying to help my husband.   But there is a better way.

1.  If you don’t pray – start now.  Stop being busy with “busy work”, put your hands together and ask for help.

2.  Have faith – if you think nothing good will happen, nothing will.  Look out for ways God begins to work in your life.

3.  Get help – Go to an Alanon meeting, Celebrate Recovery, a therapist, or buy the Love Over Addiction Program.  It all works, if you make the choice to start working.

You are beautiful, loving and caring.  You deserve to feel cherished and deeply loved.  I say it all the time – but this disease can make you feel so unworthy.

Do you know anyone who is suffering?  Would you like me to come to guest speak in your church or organization?  If so, pass this along to your friends, family or pastors.  Let’s grow this community and SHARE. There are so many who need help.

Daily Choices

How to Feel Grateful When Life Seems So Hard

Saturday, August 9, 2014

I separated from my husband many years ago (we are now divorced.)  I had no money, no college education and three little children to care for.  I was scared to death.  Leaving someone who suffers from addiction was awful.  I didn’t know where I was going to live, how I was going to be pay rent and the idea of anyone ever loving me again seemed impossible.

One night I was driving home from an appointment with my therapist and I started to think of all the things I was grateful for.  My children’s smile, my new cookbook, reruns of The Golden Girls (I know, I’m a dork), my brother who stepped up and offered to babysit the kids so I could get help and go to my appointments.  The list went on and on.  The more detailed I got about what I was grateful for, the greater the joy started rising in my heart. 

I know now this was God helping me give thanks in all circumstances.  Why?  Because He knows that being still and reflecting on all the little things that are blessings in our life is the easiest way to take our heart from darkness to light.

No matter how bad my life circumstances got (and they included court dates, restraining orders, threats and hiding out in hotels), I gave thanks throughout the day and choose to focus on all the “little things.”

What do you need to give thanks for?  Do you have a grateful heart today or are you stuck in the darkness?  

Make a list of things to be thankful for each day and begin to feel the joy!  Romans 12:2

You are a beautiful, loving person.  You are generous and kind hearted.  Leave a comment and dare to be vulnerable with each other.  Lift each other up and encourage one another. Subscribe to the free newsletter (above) and don’t forget to checkout the life changing Love Over Addiction Program.

From Me to You

4 Dos and Don’ts for Codepedents

Monday, June 30, 2014

4We are codependent women, you and I. And like the alcoholic man we love, we will never be “cured.”

I left my husband after 10 painful and loving (sometimes) years. But even though I walked away from the disease I will never be able to separate from my codependent nature. If I am not careful, my self worth can come from fixing or solving someone else’s problems.  Just like an alcoholic – I must choose to make healthy choices one day at a time.

Does this sound like you?

Here are four do’s and don’ts of codependency:

1. Do not make your husband/children the center of your life. They will require our help, love and support but it’s unhealthy to make their needs first place all the time.

2. Do take daily self inventory. In other words, how many times a day do you ask yourself the questions, “am I making my needs important today, or am I running on empty? Am I waiting for someone else to make my dreams and desires important? Or am I acting like a responsible and mature woman prioritizing my time, spirituality, work, hobbies, etc.?”

3. Do not try to solve. Our desire to fix, solve and mend broken people and situations will never end. We will always be codependent. He will always be an alcoholic. Our daily choices will need to based on that truth. His victory comes from not drinking. Our victories come from a balanced, healthy focus and being ok with things not being ok.

4. Do take responsibility. We enjoy being codependent. Seriously. We get a kind of payoff from our pain – otherwise we would stop our destructive behavior. Some of my payoffs are: feeling superior, self fulfillment, and focusing on other people’s issues so I don’t have to face mine. Ugly, huh?

What are you struggling with this week? I love hearing from you. I pray for you everyday so leave a comment and let’s share with each other. You are not alone.  Subscribe (it’s free) to receive tips, sales and encouragement.

Daily Choices

A List of Things You Can Do Today To Help Get Him Sober

Tuesday, June 10, 2014

When you love someone who drinks too much or has substance abuse issues you are hoping with all your soul they will finally get sober.  You want the pain and suffering to end.  So are you helpless?  Do you just have to sit back and wait patiently for them to decide that enough is enough?  No way!

Waiting for them to get sober leads to depression, anxiety and resentment.  Yuck!

You must do everything you can to give him the best chance of getting sober.  Here is a quick checklist:

  1. Do not nag him about his drinking
  2. Do not beg him to stop
  3. Do not yell or slam doors or storm out when you feel angry, hurt or resentful
  4. Do not poor out his alcohol or switch his drinks
  5. Do not get other family members to talk to him about his issues
  6. Do not pick up after him and act like his mother – leave his clothes on the floor, don’t make his doctors appointments or pick up after him
  7. Do not find a rehabilitation center or drive him to AA meetings
  8. Get yourself ready in the morning with pride – put on your nice clothing, do your hair and makeup – this is for your self esteem not to please him
  9. Surround yourself with things that give you joy – coffee with friends, your favorite music, books and movies.  Gardening, painting, exercising
  10. Go to a weekly support meeting or therapist
  11. Do not talk your friends or family ear’s off about his issues – that’s what support groups and therapists are for
  12. Don’t lend him money or your car

This is your work.  Not his. Until you can do everything on this list – you are not ready for him to get sober.  Yep, I wrote it.  Even if he got sober you would still be too codependent to handle it and he would be at risk for a relapse.

Until you have truly done your work you cannot ask God to do His.  You have to break the patterns and the dysfunctional cycles of codependency for Him to move mountains in your relationship.

Here’s the best news:  this process doesn’t need to take years, months or even weeks. You can get started today.  Imagine the woman you want to become and ask God to help you get there.  You can do it!  I did and He moved the most amazing mountains.

I LOVE when you share so please leave a comment below.  You are safe here and there is no judgment. I will never allow mean comments on our site.  What you have to say is important so give yourself a voice.  Also, check out the samples of the Love Over Addiction Program (on the Shop page) and if you really want fast results, make yourself important and purchase the program.