This week we’re going to be talking about a subject that makes some people (most people) feel uncomfortable. Intimacy (or in other words: sex).
Intimacy can be difficult when you love someone who drinks too much or suffers from addiction. If you’re married to a man who drinks or uses drugs in the evening – often times you might be looking to have a moment and they are passed out or out with “friends”.
Or perhaps they want to sleep with you but the idea makes you ill. How could you be vulnerable with someone who makes you feel so unimportant when they drink or use?
Because I always believe in being vulnerable with you (and this is a place of no judgement – ever) – I’ll share first.
At the beginning of our marriage, I would use sex as something that would bring us together. I knew I would get his undivided attention and that I could make him feel good – so I willingly participated.
Towards the end of our marriage, I used to feel empty during sex. I had learned not to trust him outside our bedroom so why would I trust him inside?
I let him have his way while I would stare at the clock and wish it was over. But after awhile, it just became too much. It was clear I was being used to meet his needs- there was no moments of tenderness there. And I could no longer access a place of vulnerability – because I was so angry about his addiction and he was so disconnected.
So I stopped. Politely and respectfully – I refused to sleep with my husband.
And even though it made him mad, it made me feel empowered. Not because I was holding it over his head or using sex as a way of getting him sober (because we all know that will never work). It was because I was respecting my body. My right to save the most intimate act I know for someone who consistently shows me the kind of love that is patient and kind.
I stopped sleeping with the man I loved until we had the kind of love that trusts, protects, hopes and preserves. Anything less made me feel dirty.
If you would like to be intimate with your husband, that’s ok. If you would like to wait – you reserve the right to say, ‘no thank you”. The bottom line: it’s about honoring your heart.
Pay attention to the REASON you want to be intimate with him.
Is the reason you want to be intimate because you’re feeling needy and looking for attention or to be validated? Then, it might be better to practice some healthier ways to feel important.
If you’re looking to be intimate because you’re just in the mood and looking for fun, then go ahead and be intimate with him.
Sex is a powerful act and can be very healing or really mess us up. So we need to honor our bodies and be respectful of our hearts.
P.S. I do have a video about intimacy in the Love Over Addiction program and teach more helpful tips about sex in the Love Over Boundaries program. If you haven’t joined us yet – I would love to get to know you better inside the program. Confidently is our biggest priority. Click here to check out all our programs.